“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.” (Bette Davis)
A very common piece of advice I find myself sharing with parents is to not take what our kids do and say personally. This is predominantly for those with children in secondary school, but it does equally apply to all ages. One moment your teenager is laughing with you, and the next, they’re slamming doors, rolling their eyes, grunting or offering one-word answers with a tone that stings. It’s easy, almost automatic, to take these behaviours personally, although please remember, their rudeness isn’t about you.
The reality is that teenagers can say very mean things and behave very poorly. While I don’t condone their behaviour, I have learnt that taking it personally doesn’t help. They very often say things they don’t mean, they speak without thinking through what they are saying and their responses are often based off pure emotion! This is where knowledge comes into play. The more we understand what our teenagers are going through, the better we can understand their behaviour.
During adolescence, teenager brains are still developing, especially the parts responsible for impulse control, empathy, and emotional regulation. They are also grappling with their growing need for independence, which often expresses itself through defiance or detachment. The increased testosterone in boys causes negative and aggressive thoughts and the increased oestrogen in girls causes moodiness.
Yelling or screaming at teens does not work since this activates the “fight or flight” response – either they end up yelling and screaming back at you or completely shut down.
Their pushback isn’t a rejection of you, but a normal, necessary step in their quest to form their own identity. While this doesn’t mean you have to tolerate disrespect, it helps to understand that much of their behaviour is developmental and not deliberate. Taking it personally can escalate conflict and damage the connection you’re ultimately trying to preserve.
So what can you do? Breathe: When your teenager lashes out, try not to match their tone or intensity. A calm response models emotional regulation and keeps the door open for future communication. Set boundaries, not punishments: It's okay to set firm limits around how you expect to be treated. Explain clearly what is and isn’t acceptable, but do so from a place of calm authority, not anger. Don’t let their mood reflect yours: Teenagers are moody. It’s not your job to fix their feelings, rescue them or absorb their bad day. Offer empathy, but don’t lose your footing in the process. Focus on Connection: Even if they act like they don’t care, your presence matters. Keep showing up. A shared joke, a kind gesture, or just sitting beside them during a car ride can reinforce your bond, even when words fail. Remember the Long Game: Your teenager’s journey to adulthood is a marathon. Be patient, and trust that the respectful, loving relationship you’ve been building all along will emerge stronger with time. In my experience this does happen, my own children, now in their early twenties, are gradually coming back to me. In short, don’t confuse their struggle for autonomy with a personal betrayal. They are growing, changing, and learning. Your steady presence will make all the difference.“Teenagers are not things to be moulded but are people to be unfolded.” (Jess Lair)
