“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”― L.R. Knost
Helping children handle big Feelings: A Guide to Emotional Regulation
Human beings are emotional creatures. We laugh, we cry, we get frustrated, when our phone battery dies at 1%. Feelings are part of life, and children? Well, they’re like little emotional tornadoes, learning how to navigate their own inner world. Emotional regulation—the ability to manage feelings in a healthy way—is one of the most important skills a child can learn. And let’s be honest, many adults are still working on it too! Children who can regulate their emotions are better equipped to form friendships, calm themselves when upset, and perform better in school
Why can children struggle with emotional regulation?
When children are brand new to the world, they’re experiencing everything for the first time. A toddler melting down over the wrong colour crayon isn’t being dramatic; their brain is still developing the ability to cope with disappointment. The prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self-control and decision-making) doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s! So, when a child has a big emotional reaction, it’s not because they’re trying to be difficult—it’s because they don’t yet have the skills to handle it differently.
Helping children to manage their feelings
So how can we help? Here are some simple, real-life ways to teach emotional regulation:
- Name the feeling: Children don’t always know what they’re feeling. Instead of saying, “Calm down,” try: “I see you’re feeling really frustrated because you can’t have another biscuit.” Naming emotions helps children understand them and eventually manage them better.
- Model emotional regulation:Remember, children are always watching. If we shout at them when we’re frustrated, they’ll learn to do the same. If we take deep breaths and use words to express our emotions, they’ll pick up on that too. “Wow, I’m feeling really cross right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond.”
- Teach coping strategies:Not every emotion needs to be “fixed” immediately, but children do need tools to help them work through feelings. Try:
- Taking deep breaths (“Smell the flower, blow out the candle”)
- Counting to ten
- Squeezing a stress ball
- Drawing how they feel
- Going for a walk or jumping around to shake off frustration
- Validate, then guide:All feelings are okay—it’s how we act on them that matters. Instead of saying, “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal,” try, “I know you’re sad about this. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s figure out what we can do next.” This helps children to feel heard and teaches them that emotions aren’t the enemy.
- Practice Problem-Solving:When children are calm, help them think through situations. “Next time you feel really mad at your brother, what’s something you can do instead of hitting?” Giving them alternatives prepares them for future emotional moments.
The Bigger Picture
Emotional regulation isn’t about stopping children from feeling—it’s about helping them understand and manage those feelings in a healthy way. When children learn to regulate emotions, they grow into adults who can handle life’s ups and downs without completely losing it. And let’s be honest, we all need that skill!
So, next time your child is having a meltdown over the blue cup instead of the red one, take a deep breath and remember: they’re learning. And so are we. After all, emotions are part of being human.
“Teaching a child to shut down their emotions does not make them calm. It makes them numb. Calmness is a skill that develops after a child has learned to feel their emotions, not ignore them.” – Eli Harwood
