It can be so difficult to support a young person with anxiety if you are the parent or carer. You may ask yourself ‘How can I help? What have I done? Is this my fault? Why won’t they listen? Do they love me? Will they ever be happy? What is their future going to be like? Will they resort to hurting themselves? How can I fix this?’ while blaming yourself, feeling sad, frustrated and even angry and putting on an ‘all is fine’ face in public. All these feelings are ok to have and come from a place of love and driven by a desire that your young person is happy.

Worry is a normal part of our lives, usually before an event such as joining a new club, taking a test or meeting new people. Once this event has been experienced, the worry settles, and we feel calmer. I often think of a wave – when we are surfing up the wave, the worry is there, when we surf to the top we experience the event and when we surf down the wave we realise it’s ok and we breathe a sigh of achievement or relief.

Anxiety however, is an overwhelming feeling of worry where we become ‘stuck’ in it and it affects our daily life and limits what we can do. This is when supporting a young person can be so difficult as parent/carer but at the same time so important to do and persevere with. Each young person will handle anxiety in their own way and probably feels scared and out of control. Some young people may hide away from the world in their rooms, maybe in their beds, finding sleep as their coping mechanism and avoiding the event they are anxious about. Some may show their anxiety through rage and rail against the world. Some may dissolve in tears and crave huge amounts of reassurance. Some may repeat behaviours such as rituals, gaining reassurance from these acts (Obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD). Some may eat more or less than usual, and some may be reassured by the feelings gained from self-harm.

But what can you do as parent/carer? Please remember you are doing your best. This is important because it can sometimes be lost in the moment when emotions are heightened and your young person is in pain, you feel that nothing is working - it is ok to feel overwhelmed. When a young person has anxiety; you may become frustrated that they can’t just snap out of it or they’re being selfish or one day is ok and then the next day it isn’t. Supporting a young person with anxiety will be a slow process but when a young person is supported in a consistent loving way, over a period of time, the situation will improve gradually, and your young person will learn to live with it more healthily and be the happy thriving young person you want them to be. Each child is different – I have put down some strategies/tips below which you can use with your child. These strategies I like to think are your young person’s toolkit to use as and when they need to. In the initial stages they do need to be practised so that they can become a normal behaviour. Remember, you know your young person best, choose the tip which you feel may be useful or better still, ask them to choose which one they would like to try. It is about making a game plan of strategies collaborating with them to choose which ones they feel will help.

• Talking and listening

Talking and listening are extremely important to validate their feeling and perspective. When your young person is calm, find a place where they feel safe. If they have a pet maybe they could cuddle them, or a teddy or even sitting with a hot chocolate and favourite snack – whatever works for them. Ask them what the anxiety feels like both in their head and in their body. Try not to try and ‘fix’ them with adult answers, listen to them and the answers they give, reassuring them you understand. Use their words and language, let them swear if they need to. You can be creative with this – they could draw their anxiety, labelling it in different colours, mind mapping it, try some post its to help them move around their thoughts on the paper.

• Being together

Being together, spending time together, having fun together really helps your young person to think about other things away from their anxiety thoughts, with their safe people who they love. When my own boys were growing up, one of our favourite times together were when we were at the beach, the boys surfing, their parents body boarding and the dog Bonnie sitting keeping watch. I have this image in my mind that the waves used to wash my boys’ worries away! Schedule these times into the diary so your young person knows they are there, that they will happen, and they give them something to look forward to.

 

• Thinking about the why.

The bucket idea - in my experience drawing a diagram of a bucket for the young person to fill with all the reasons why they feel anxious, helps them to start to really think about their anxieties in a more logical way, allowing them to start to unpick them for themselves. Please let them list as many as they want to. I also like to put a tap at the bottom side of my stress bucket, which they can then turn on, to drain some of their anxieties away as they think about them, even problem solve them. This is very visual and very personalised to the young person – let them fill it, try not to put suggestions of your own in.

• How do I know when my young person is anxious?

Recognising the signs when your young person is anxious and helping them to recognise these signs are important. When your young person recognises that they are anxious, they can ask for help or put into action a strategy to help themselves. Help your young person to notice how their body and mind reacts when they are anxious. Anxiety can affect young people in a variety of ways, it is personal to them. Some signs could be a sick feeling in their tummy, crying/tears, repeated rituals, vomiting, heart racing, trembling and temperature fluctuations, growing very hot or very cold.

• What ways can I support them when they are anxious?

Together make a list of ways they feel might help them move towards being calmer. The activities they feel will help; it is tempting here as a parent to make a list of ways you feel will ‘fix’ the moment and in my experience this leads to the young person closing down, becoming resentful and they are more likely to use strategies they feel they have chosen themselves rather than chosen for them. Young people I have worked with have shared that they like a range of strategies, more than one. I usually recommend at least 3. These strategies all have the benefit of distracting your child from their anxiety and giving their mind a rest from the overwhelming thoughts and feelings they are having with the intention when they think about them again, they are calmer. These are the favourite strategies the young people I have worked with came up with; using a fidget toy, throwing a ball against a wall, doing exercise, going for a walk, hugging their pets, talking to their friends, listening to music, punching a pillow, drawing and painting, making crafts, cooking and baking, watching Netflix, doing their makeup/nails and writing down their thoughts in a diary/journal. There will be lots more!

• How can I get them to relax?

Mindfulness is your magic weapon in this. Some children will love a moment of calm, others will find it trickier but useful to introduce/persevere with. Mindfulness allows your child a time to stop, a time to ‘be’. I would advise mindfulness needs to be practised and is something over a period of time through practice becomes part of a young person’s routine and a way to cope with anxiety. I would recommend again that your young person chooses their own mindful activities and if possible, again I would suggest having at least 3 for them to choose from depending on their mood and situation they are in. Popular ones I have found that young people choose are breathing exercises, yoga (there are many apps and YouTube clips available), paint by numbers, mindful colouring, meditation, being outside in nature – what can they hear, what can they see, what can they smell, what can they feel, what can they sense, blowing bubbles – watching them land, their colours, their size and listening to music (relaxing music).

• How can my young person share their worry?

I have used a worry/thought box with young people throughout my career. I have found it is especially useful with young people who find it difficult to verbalise to another person how they feel – they find drawing or writing it down easier. This helps them as they are sharing their worries, releasing them out of their head, posting them into the box and storing them in a physical place.
I have also used a self soothe/treasure box with young people which they fill with things that make them feel safe – these things could be whatever they relate to including a photo, a pebble, a shell, a note, a friendship bracelet, mantras. They open the box when they feel their anxiety is heightened, to help them remember they are safe, and they are loved and it will be ok.

• Can I do anything practically to help?

Making sure your young person keeps up with activities which help mental health would be very worthwhile. Sleeping enough, eating healthily, drinking water, doing physical exercise and spending time with friends and family really help a young person to lessen their anxiety. From my own experience as a mum, I would suggest also keep an eye on what they are drinking and eating - I noticed my own children’s mood were adversely affected when they drank caffeinated drinks or ate high sugared sweets.

• What if I think they need professional help?

Some young people will benefit with time with a mental health therapist; they find being with someone who they can share their inner most thoughts lightens their mind – this is usually because they don’t want to share some of these personal thoughts with their loved ones because they don’t want to hurt them, feel they have done something wrong, feel they don’t meet expectations or they might be ‘told off’. Reach out and speak to your GP, their school or research Young Person Counsellor.